olivia

Today my 5 year old cousin was playing with her toy cell phone. She said she was talking to Martin Luther King Jr and thanking him for all that he did for African Americans. She said she told him about her cousins (my brothers who are adopted from West Africa), that they were beautiful and black and that she was so thankful that because of him they could go anywhere she could. Thats pretty freaking great, I hope more kids are like Liv because if they are there might be hope for the human race yet...

identity

I'm amazed and disturbed at how quick one can lose who they are. How the words and actions of others can mean so much more than our own. How the approval of everyone around us can become so important that we must love what they love and hate what they hate... even if its ourselves. It makes no sense and yet the past has never been so clear to me... I just hate looking back, but the beginning of our stories are still a part of them, no matter how hard. I also believe that part of me needs those bad times, because even what I view as 'bad' has shaped me in a way that maybe would have never happened without the struggles in life. Either way, it will always be there. I can't forget but in the same respect, I can't dwell on it. In July I leave for art school... my demons won't be coming with me...

a change in the wind

i've spent way to many nights
fighting with something that can't be beaten
trying to win when i know that i can't
time doesnt stop
i can't change that
but what does change is everything
people
family
friends
men
women
children
nature
weather
seasons
the wind
my defintion of love, friendship, home, myself
me, im guilty too
God is the only thing that stays the same
and i think i can live with that now

oasis

i hate when i think i know what im doing and it turns out that i don't. when i think im headed in the right direction and the universe seems to be telling me so as well, them BAM i fall on my butt again. lately theres been alot of things that i was "sure" of that fell through... im just wondering when i'll truly find my place, who i am, who im meant to be with. right now im just wandering in the desert.... i guess i have to just make a move, dive in and hope that i can swim...

the wind sounds like its going to blow my house down

im ready for spring... i think the groundhog predicted spring. i dunno, is that even accurate? it seems like all i can do anymore is sleep and i blame the weather. its still kinda dark when i get up and thats at 10:00 am. so i wake up and anticipate going to bed again all day.
i want to see the sun again. literally and figuratively...

seasons change

when the snow first came
i pretended not to see it
i held tight to you
telling myself
that because i could touch you
you were real
cold winds brought ice and hale
that made me loose my grip
but as i let go
i reminded myself
spring is coming
seasons change

something i came up with last night, ironically we got a big ice storm here. is that ironic or am i using the wrong word.... anyway, it came to me that last winter (physical winter) was bad for me too. i was going through alot of metaphorical storms then too. i should move to a place where its always warm, huh....

drowning

you know that scene in the prestige when the girl is drowning in that clear box thing. shes pounding on the glass and trying to scream but of course no one can hear her because she's under water. hugh jackman is panicking on the outside and trying to save her... i feel like that. i believe we're both aware of each other, only a metaphorical pane of glass is keeping us apart... i can beat on it until my fists bleed, but you can't save me from drowning.

a new goal

i realized that i need to stop focusing on what i don't want and instead focus on what i do want.

the future is like a japanese game show...

tonight i was watching 30 rock and at one point tracy morgan said; the future is like a japanese game show, you don't know what's happening. as hilarious as that sounds i started thinking about how true that is. this month has been chaos for me, i've made a lot of tough choices and done a lot of things i didn't want to do but had to be done. yesterday being one of the hardest things; i quit my job. it leaves me in... not such a good place financially, yeah. i also tend to be very introverted so for me it was awful speaking out and saying how i felt and that i needed to quit. im usually content in a situation even if i hate it, because i hate rocking boats more. but it had to be done for a lot of reasons... one being i didn't feel right there. i believe that God has things waiting for me, good things, if im in the right place in life. physically, spiritually and emotionally. where should i be? i have no clue; but thats life. being unsure of things, doing things afraid, being honest even when its hard. these are some things ive learned so far in 2011, honesty especially. its beginning to be a very interesting year so far, im learning alot about myself. i just hope the rest of the year brings good things for me. but i have no way of knowing right now... like a japanese game show.... or anything japanese for that matter i just dont get their society at all. their halloween costumes, their toys... some of it is just baffling...

it just occured to me

i can't mourn the loss of something that i never had.....

oh what a weekend.

i find i have a problem with saying what i mean... and sometimes, meaning what i say. yeah. im going to work on that...

platform boots

so i love boots and while i have 4 or 5 pairs; today i decided to wear my platforms... to the mall. they're about i dunno, 4 inch heal with a 2 inch platform and they're wedges, they come around my ankle. i've probably mentioned them before because i love them to death, they're my favorite shoe... but i found they were not made for walking all day long. as i put them on this morning i knew this was probably the case, but i did it anyway. and within a matter of hours i was dealing with some pretty intense pain. yet surrounded by several stores that sold shoes, i kept mine on... why... i dunno. they looked great and i love the feeling of struting around like a runway model in ridiculously high shoes. im sitting here trying to decide was this says about my psyche. maybe nothing. its not that im a shallow, twit type of girl that exsists too often. im justing willing to deal with pain for... well, stupid reasons. and this isn't the first time i've done this. i can think of a few examples of things im letting hurt me right now. i dunno im exausted and rambling. just to leave on a good note; micheal's was selling strathmore watercolor pads buy one get one free. whoot whoot.

a short post to end a short day

easy come, easy go
thats just how you live....

reflections

my life has taught me that i can't be sure of anything and there's few people that i can trust. but its also taught me that i can infact be sure of God, i can trust Him. He will never leave me... i don't think i would have learned this Love without learning to fall first...

ps its amazing how the smell of coffee lingers... thats nothing deep, i mean literally

another post

i do this all the time; post something then 5 minutes later think of something else i wanted to say. i hate that. i'm constantly having ideas exploding into my head. what i really hate is when i can't keep track of them all, like the ones i think of on my way to work. i'm drowning in a sea of sketchpads and journals as is it, i'm constantly scribbling ideas down on paper. which reminds me i have a new watercolor portrait done that im pretty excited about. however im not that excited that im willing to fight with my scanner tonight to post it.
anyway the real reason i got on here to type up another lil observation i just made about my life. so it begins with hair color. i'm dyeing my hair black... again, despite what i've been told. everyone is reminding me of the last time my hair was black and it was really hard to get the black out. yes it did involve alot of bad dye jobs, some orange hair, over-processing, three hours, like fifty bucks... i dunno. but somehow right at this moment it doesn't seem to bad, it seems worth it. and so i bought a box of dye today. the point i'm trying to make though is isn't interesting how things seem 'not so bad' in hindsight? how over time our mind's can kind of change a situation? it something as simple as dyeing my hair, i know, i do it all the time. but think of it as life in general... i'm going through something right now that's kinda like having emo kid black hair to platinum blonde. its so hard and almost feels immpossible. but give it a few months, a year and it won't seem as bad. i'll be willing to go black again, does this make any sense? im not saying this is a bad thing, no, the exact opposite. i think its an amazing way the human mind copes and develops. i've been knocked down, im shaken, i don't want to go through this again. but soon i'll be over it. the past will be the past and i'll go again. see?

thinking about the sun some more...

we say the sun rises and the sun goes down but really, its not doing those things. we're the ones who are moving....

im tired

so i work at starbucks, which opens at 8 which means i have to be in there at 7:30 and to be there at 7:30 i have to get up at 6. im not a morning person at all. but the one thing i like about being up so early is that on the drive to work i get to watch the world get lighter. usually i would work later and watch it get dark, the other way around in nice. it kinda gives me hope for things in general. maybe it sounds cheesey or dramatic but for a long time i watched my world get so dark and in the past year the sun is finally rising. sometimes theres clouds and it takes a while but without fail it will come up.... well i better sleep now, since i have to wake up at 6